Is It Even True That We Don’t Choose Who We Love Or Who Loves Us In Return?

Hi Jane,

I am shima from kubwa. I am in a relationship where am not really getting what I want. The relationship has lasted for almost a year now and I have not for once denied him whatever he asks. Most times even when am not ready for sex. I really don't have a choice because I’m just so scared of what the aftermath would look like. I broke up from a 4yr relationship and it was during my times of pain that this other guy came along. And with him I could go through that period and that made it easy. Now he is the only one in my life and I have become so rigid that I CAN’T let anyone come into my life anymore. He said he has a woman somewhere far away but the connect wasn't there anymore because of the distance. He hardly calls and whenever he calls, we hardly have something to talk about. Juicy I’m so hurt and confused. I dunno how to move on because I’m scared of losing him.

There is really no communication BTW us..i'm so scared of him. Sometimes he yells at me like he would strangle me if not he doesn't touch his women

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The question is, is he scared of losing you too? Lets start from there, first and build to a crescendo. Now, your fear is born out of the fact that you don’t want to be alone. You think being alone is a dark room where you can metamorphose into a beast that no one will like to associate with such that when you finally step out of that closet and look at your frame in the mirror, you wouldn’t even blame people for leaving you but yourself because you weren’t able to deal with the pain, the anger and the hatred surging through you right now as a result of your love being thrown back at you by the one man that you entrusted it to. Now the instability of your chaotic emotions has infused into your cells, changing your DNA into that of an emotionally insensitive being who would care less of any other one but the man that she’s lost…

*weird analogy, I guess*

You fear for the fact that you will have to start all over again, build a bond with a total stranger that will eventually become a friend and a lover pending what time each feelings merges as one. You don’t like the idea of starting afresh or maybe, let’s say that you aren’t even sure there is anyone there that’s better off than who’s left you.

The truth is the moment you start becoming afraid to lose anyone, that’s the day you begin to relinquish power to them. That’s the day you becoming emotionally dependent on them such that when they decide to leave you, you become a wreck!

That has to stop!!

That’s you giving another man too much power over your being and that’s a lot!!

Back to the issue at hand!

The first mistake you made was to allow yourself go into a rebound relationship with the next guy without allowing yourself to grieve. For every relationship you leave, there is always a wound it leaves that needs time as an antidote to heal, now when you try to play James Bond just so that you don’t go through with the process of healing that emotional pain, you unknowingly build more futuristic wounds especially if the other mate doesnt know what he wants and isn’t capable of mentally stimulate you in every ramification such that he makes you wonder why in the world you gave in to loving a douche bag like your Ex, (that’s if your Ex was one).

Now, I find it a problem if you both have nothing else to talk about because a healthy relationship is one where conversation never runs dry. Even in the midst of silence, your heart, your eyes, your spirits still are intertwined..

In the silence, you still feel like there is a communication going on between you both. That only happens when two hearts beat as one, it’s so in sync, rising and falling together such that you can’t tell one’s beat from the other, which is kind of rare these days.

I read of a story of a man who was 97years old and his wife was 90 years old. They had been married for 72 years when a tragic car accident put them on hospital bed. There, they were sharing same intensive care unit , holding hands when their 64 years old son arrived.

The son said they were holding hands but they weren’t responsive.

That afternoon, his father died still holding his mother’s hand with all family around.

The son said that they were holding hands when his father stopped breathing but the heart monitor was still going as though he were alive and they couldn’t understand how his heart could still be beating. He had to ask the nurse how could his father’s heart still could beat when technically he’s been pronounced dead a few seconds ago and the nurse said something that made a lot of sense to any true lover.

She said that his mother’s heart was beating through his and the monitor was picking it. Exactly one hour later, his mother died and both were buried in same casket, holding hands.

Now it brings me to this phase where I would need to ask a fundamental question:

Is love a feeling or a skill?

I think love is a feeling and the best we can do is recognize it if it comes our way and then take care of it.

Have you ever felt that way about another human being or experienced another person feeling that way about you?

Its something we all hope for, but deep down, we know we cant make it happen, which is what makes it so special when it does. Is it even true that We don’t choose who we love or who loves us in return?

 So Shima, if you aren’t getting what you want in a relationship, then it only can be that you are with a man who has not been able to connect with you on that level where two heart can beat as one even in silence.
i guess i am forgetting something, it is not his right to want to have sex with you seeing that you both ain't married. i mean why would he want to feel like strangling you for not giving him some? that's even worse as it gets. 
That's not a good vibe and you deserve better. Don't limit yourself to a relationship that's nothing but sex. its slavery and that's you giving too much and not getting value for it. 
what is he willing to bring to the table?
I am not talking in terms of money. What is he doing to improve your worth? what have you gain being in that relationship?
if what you give outweighs what he brings then you are in slavery. Relationships don't feel that way and good ones for that matter.

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