Am I too sensitive?
Monday, November 9, 2015
Hi Juicey Jayne
I have this friend. She's an honestly lovely person, and I really enjoy being around her. She's funny, she's smart... And sometimes she makes me feel terrible.
She gets in these moods where she just has to be right about everything, and whatever I'm saying isn't even worth listening to all the way through. And then there are incidents like what happened today. We were walking to class together, and I was telling a story. In the middle of it, she looks me dead in the eyes and says, "This is gonna sound bad, but I don't care." And then she proceeded to talk about whatever was on her mind, not giving me any time to react. Lunch came, and there are only a few people who will actually sit down when she's at the table. She's known to get into moods where she doesn't like people around her, and it's hard to tell when she's in that sort of mood. When she is, she'll generally tolerate me, and a few others. Today, it was us, and one other girl. She was quiet, but she shared a few lines of dialogue with the other girl. She pretended I didn't exist.
I put a lot of time into all of my friendships. I'm a naturally empathetic and caring person, and I pride myself on my willingness to go the extra mile for those I care about. People have taken advantage of that, in the past, but then again... With those people, I know that they'll snub me when I'm in need. She hasn't really seen that part of me yet. She could be totally caring, too. In fact, I know that she cares about me. I'm naturally tiny with a bird like appetite, and I generally hover around the lower end of the healthy weight range. She's the one who makes sure I eat. "Take three more bites" is her "I care about you."
Today, she didn't even give me that. Today at lunch I was blinking back tears. I have two conflicting instincts: Something's wrong with me, and I've screwed things up, or something's wrong with her and I ought to help. I've found myself trying to be bitter about this, but that feels bad and ill-fitting.
I just want a hug. And I did get a hug, from another good friend, but he didn't and doesn't know the extent of the situation, and it really wasn't as comforting as I had hoped. I don't know where I'm going with this.
Am I overly sensitive for being so upset? I don't want to be that doormat who apologizes for her emotions, apologizes for letting her friends have a significant effect on her, what. Apologizes for having reactions to things and taking up emotional space. I don't want to be that person. But I don't want to be the person who cries over every little thing, and lets everything get under her skin either...
Mike J.
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