Paul and I have been best friends
for years. Throughout our friendship, we've flirted, but he's always been in
serious relationships with someone else. I've been his shoulder to cry on
throughout it all. Our friendship has always been strictly platonic with
moments of slip-ups. I'll tell you the whole story to give context to us
finally sleeping together.
About 3 years ago, Paul was in an
awfully dysfunctional relationship. His girlfriend controlled his life and he
couldn't see any of his friends. He was miserable. I was one of the only people
she liked, but he could barely even see me. We would have plans to meet up and
he would just never show up. He eventually broke up with her and hit rock
bottom. During this time, I was his support system. We grew very close over the
next few months. We had history of cuddling and holding hands, but nothing
progressed beyond that.
One night, he came over to watch a movie and he looked
me in the eyes. He leaned in to kiss me when he stopped and basically ran out
of my house saying "I can't do this. It will ruin everything between
us." He didn't speak to me for a week and got back with his girlfriend
thereafter. I told him in person I couldn't do it anymore and I felt used. He
responded "Okay" and went on his marry way. He didn't even care and I
was crushed. I saw him around college holding hands with his girlfriend and I wouldn't
even speak to him. He acted like nothing happened and everything was okay
because he was back with his girlfriend.
About two months later, I got a
text from him saying how much he loved me and how he fucked things up with me
and I was his best friend. He never meant to hurt me, but I was never just a
shoulder to cry on. He was still with his girlfriend, but he never wanted to
lose me and he wouldn't treat me like he had previously. His relationship
wasn't his life and he would make sure I was still part of his life. I was
leaving to Europe for 6 months, so I told him we could speak when I got back
but I didn't want to talk to him.
When I returned in December, I
forgave him and we went back to being friends. His girlfriend was on study
abroad during this time and he kept trying to flirt with me. For example, if I
was at his house late at night, he would insist I shared his bed with him and
would try to cuddle with me. I refused. Well, she ended up cheating on him and
he broke up with her. During this time, I was there for him as friend, but it
was strictly platonic.
He ended up graduating and moving
home in the summer. I stayed at school for another 8 months. We talked
regularly on the phone, but it was completely platonic by this point. By the
time I moved home in December, he was in a relationship with a new girl. He was
once again in an obsessive relationship, which ended up crashing and burning a
few months later. We barely hung out during that time and I moved out in June
to the same city as we went to college in.
Now that he was single again, we
talked a lot more, but my life got really busy. He came to visit a few times
and I saw him when I went home for the holidays. Our friendship had gotten more
flirty as time had passed, but I still never wanted to let him again. It all
culminated when he came to visit recently.
His ex-girlfriend had an event in
my town, so she wanted him to join her as a driving companion. She went off and
did her own thing and we met up. He was only in town for one night. We ended up
getting drunk with some of our friends and he came to spend the night at my
place.
When we got into the bed, he
grabbed me and we started making out. He told me he had always had feelings for
me and he likes me. I understood him and he understood me. He could never see
why any guy would hurt me because being with me was the best thing ever. He
clearly was very drunk because he told me he's jerked off to me and had thought
about this moment for years. He brought up how he had always fucked it up with me.
I had always forgiven him and I never deserved what he did to me. He missed me
so much when I didn't talk to him and it was awful not speaking to me. He
brought up how he walked out on me because it would ruin everything etc. He
loved me as a friend and our love was deeper than any type of romantic love and
he cared about me so much.
Well, he kept pushing sex and we
ended up sleeping together. When I went to fall asleep, he grabbed me and said
out of all things, he would miss me in his arms.
In the morning, I was late for
work and ran out. He texted me saying he would miss me and hopes I had fun. He
called me the next day and acted like nothing happened. He said he was just
drunk and horny, but now that the sexual tension was out of the way, we could
go back to being just friends. He said he doesn't remember most of the night.
I told him that everything
couldn't just go back to normal. I had thought I was crazy for years and
thought it was all in my head, but he confirmed that he had always had feelings
for me and there's always been tension between us. He finally admitted that he
did like me, he did have feelings for me, and he did find me attractive, but he
knew he would ruin everything in a relationship with me. He fucks up every
relationship and he can't risk losing me. He always said he would never sleep
with me because he always has been so scared of losing me.
I told him he's probably right
that given the distance/ our lifestyles, a relationship wouldn't work at this
time, but it doesn't remove the fact that the cats out of the bag. It's going
to be very hard to see him just as a friend now that we know there's this
between us. He told me we could put up boundaries to make sure it didn't happen
again. I told him that we could try everything, but we are just going to end up
back here again. At some point in time, we are going to have to take the risk
and try dating or we're going to end up ruining our friendship along the way.
I told him I was very confused
about my emotions, but I couldn't trust him anymore because he always is
indecisive on me. This isn't the first time he's led me on and I felt used by
him. He said what I said really hurt his feelings and perhaps we needed to take
some distance. I told him to call me later and he never did.
At this point, we haven't spoken
in about a month and I'm not really sure what to do. He commented on a picture
of animal I posted saying it was cute, but I didn't respond. He's honestly my
best friend and I miss him so much, but I also don't know if it's smart for us
to be friends again.
What do I do? - Anonymous
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