Sexual talk is almost taboo in most Nigerian households, and
most especially for women. Many of us didn't get the 'bird and the bees' talk
beyond being bought a sanitary pad when our periods started and being told to
stay away from boys. When one comes from a Christian home, with a reserved
mother, the issues are compounded.
Whether male or female, deciding to remain a virgin till your marriage is a good thing for many reasons, including Christian morals. However, things really go south when some prudes use the bible to instil fear and revulsion for sex within their young charges, usually female. And this must stop!
Bride of one year, Lola Akindele Busari made a vow to herself and God to reserve sex for marriage, but her experience of overcoming her fear of sex almost made her honeymoon a disaster.
Whether male or female, deciding to remain a virgin till your marriage is a good thing for many reasons, including Christian morals. However, things really go south when some prudes use the bible to instil fear and revulsion for sex within their young charges, usually female. And this must stop!
Bride of one year, Lola Akindele Busari made a vow to herself and God to reserve sex for marriage, but her experience of overcoming her fear of sex almost made her honeymoon a disaster.
She is now calling for churches to institute real sex education for young women and would-be brides - a platform for open and honest talk that recognises sex as natural, beautiful, and a pleasurable part of marriage.
She shared her story with BN, and the relevant parts are excerpted below.
Losing
my Virginity
Now, it’s interesting that I can joke about S.E.X. right now – because a year ago, when we got married, to be quite frank…I was in tears when I fully realised how painful it actually was to lose my virginity. It was not a laughing matter at the time AT ALL! And I don’t mean painful in the sense that I felt I was losing a piece of myself… far from it!
And it wasn’t even the fact that it just physically REALLY hurt! The thing that ‘pained me’ the most was the fact that I was with the love of my life, we had just had the most beautiful wedding with all our friends and loved ones, dancing away and popping (non alcoholic) sparkling wine… and when it was time to now Pop The Cherry…I was too afraid! I felt as though I was not fulfilling my first wifely task.
We had stayed at the spa hotel in which we got married for a couple of days before we flew off to the Dominican Republic (and not Barbados – private joke) for the honeymoon…and I felt so distraught that I was letting my husband down. On the night of the wedding, I was full of mixed emotions. I had finally gotten married! It was all I had ever dreamed about.
I had been planning the big day since forever… It was so lovely and beautiful and my husband is the best thing that’s happened to me apart from Jesus…he waited for me and respected and adopted my views on having no premarital sex from the beginning – so WHY was it so difficult to Just Do It? ‘Nike’ lied! I wanted to…but just couldn’t.
Vaseline at the Wedding
I was very fortunate to have two married woman in my close circle of friends who gave me a lot of very useful advice, one of them even slipped me a small container of Vaseline whilst I was on the dance floor in my wedding dress, telling me I would need it for later that night. I was laughing at the time when she gave it to me. I was soon to find out (as mentioned earlier) that it was not a laughing matter at all! I was so lucky, as my wonderful husband is just the best because he was so patient and gentle.
The key is to relax they say…well…according to numerous “How To…” tips on Google that is. I tried to…but I just kept hearing this voice saying…”You’re letting him down…You’re letting him down…He waited for you all these years and now that it’s time to do it you can’t!” It was horrible knowing that it felt like I could not go through with it.
The pain, the anxiety, the fear of him being disappointed in me…there was no way I could relax! On top of that, I had heard a story about a young couple who had just recently gotten married and who had requested for an annulment of the marriage because of this very same situation. The wife felt as though she couldn’t go through with losing her virginity, no matter what they tried.
Now, it’s interesting that I can joke about S.E.X. right now – because a year ago, when we got married, to be quite frank…I was in tears when I fully realised how painful it actually was to lose my virginity. It was not a laughing matter at the time AT ALL! And I don’t mean painful in the sense that I felt I was losing a piece of myself… far from it!
And it wasn’t even the fact that it just physically REALLY hurt! The thing that ‘pained me’ the most was the fact that I was with the love of my life, we had just had the most beautiful wedding with all our friends and loved ones, dancing away and popping (non alcoholic) sparkling wine… and when it was time to now Pop The Cherry…I was too afraid! I felt as though I was not fulfilling my first wifely task.
We had stayed at the spa hotel in which we got married for a couple of days before we flew off to the Dominican Republic (and not Barbados – private joke) for the honeymoon…and I felt so distraught that I was letting my husband down. On the night of the wedding, I was full of mixed emotions. I had finally gotten married! It was all I had ever dreamed about.
I had been planning the big day since forever… It was so lovely and beautiful and my husband is the best thing that’s happened to me apart from Jesus…he waited for me and respected and adopted my views on having no premarital sex from the beginning – so WHY was it so difficult to Just Do It? ‘Nike’ lied! I wanted to…but just couldn’t.
Vaseline at the Wedding
I was very fortunate to have two married woman in my close circle of friends who gave me a lot of very useful advice, one of them even slipped me a small container of Vaseline whilst I was on the dance floor in my wedding dress, telling me I would need it for later that night. I was laughing at the time when she gave it to me. I was soon to find out (as mentioned earlier) that it was not a laughing matter at all! I was so lucky, as my wonderful husband is just the best because he was so patient and gentle.
The key is to relax they say…well…according to numerous “How To…” tips on Google that is. I tried to…but I just kept hearing this voice saying…”You’re letting him down…You’re letting him down…He waited for you all these years and now that it’s time to do it you can’t!” It was horrible knowing that it felt like I could not go through with it.
The pain, the anxiety, the fear of him being disappointed in me…there was no way I could relax! On top of that, I had heard a story about a young couple who had just recently gotten married and who had requested for an annulment of the marriage because of this very same situation. The wife felt as though she couldn’t go through with losing her virginity, no matter what they tried.
What
the Church Says & Reality
At church, the message from the pulpit is always ‘save yourself for marriage’ – which is good…and it’s what I did. However, The Church seems to be producing batches of women who yes, may come to their married bed as virgins …but they are more or less left to their own devices after that.
Old wives tales, advise from mothers and jokes about it from friends aren’t really enough to fully prepare you for what to expect. I guess everyone’s different and everyone’s first time will most certainly be different – but The Church should also have in place a platform (or a session included within their premarital counselling) whereby they’re not afraid to touch on the subject of the Wedding Night and how it’s different when marrying a virgin.
It would be good to have some sort of dialogue in place between the future spouses regarding the importance of being gentle and patient or even perhaps certain positions that will help make it easier, such as propping a pillow under your pelvis (for the woman), which helps make your fist time go a lot more smoothly. (A technique I learnt from Google whilst on my honeymoon. For the first couple of days I would be like: Hold on! Let me quickly get the pillow first! Lol!) Thus couples can discuss these different methods beforehand, which should help better prepare them for their wedding night.
However the most beautiful part of it all was remembering that God does not give us more than we can bear. He had blessed me with such a wonderful and caring husband and my hubby was so sweet and just kept telling me “It’s ok, don’t worry about anything… it will happen.”
There’s no way I could imagine going through that process with someone who didn’t love me or who was just using me, as some women and even some teenage girls have to go through.
I asked the Holy Spirit to open up everything that needed to be opened in order to make this happen and to give me the ability to stop over thinking everything and to just relax.
To make light of the situation, my husband so lovingly reminded me that the children that we’re looking forward to having one day, are going to have to come through this avenue. We laughed… and laughed some more.
It was good to be with someone who was so calm about the whole thing and that also helped to make everything easier. Something that is supposed to be a natural process of life, something that I hadn’t experienced in all of my 26 years, but was now ready to experience… was NOT going to be turned into something that would now try and steal my joy. Oh no honey! When I prayed, I prayed for Wisdom – wisdom for how to best deal with the situation and for the strength to bear the pain and to overcome it so that I could please my husband and so that we could both enjoy something that God himself had created for us to enjoy in marriage.
At church, the message from the pulpit is always ‘save yourself for marriage’ – which is good…and it’s what I did. However, The Church seems to be producing batches of women who yes, may come to their married bed as virgins …but they are more or less left to their own devices after that.
Old wives tales, advise from mothers and jokes about it from friends aren’t really enough to fully prepare you for what to expect. I guess everyone’s different and everyone’s first time will most certainly be different – but The Church should also have in place a platform (or a session included within their premarital counselling) whereby they’re not afraid to touch on the subject of the Wedding Night and how it’s different when marrying a virgin.
It would be good to have some sort of dialogue in place between the future spouses regarding the importance of being gentle and patient or even perhaps certain positions that will help make it easier, such as propping a pillow under your pelvis (for the woman), which helps make your fist time go a lot more smoothly. (A technique I learnt from Google whilst on my honeymoon. For the first couple of days I would be like: Hold on! Let me quickly get the pillow first! Lol!) Thus couples can discuss these different methods beforehand, which should help better prepare them for their wedding night.
However the most beautiful part of it all was remembering that God does not give us more than we can bear. He had blessed me with such a wonderful and caring husband and my hubby was so sweet and just kept telling me “It’s ok, don’t worry about anything… it will happen.”
There’s no way I could imagine going through that process with someone who didn’t love me or who was just using me, as some women and even some teenage girls have to go through.
I asked the Holy Spirit to open up everything that needed to be opened in order to make this happen and to give me the ability to stop over thinking everything and to just relax.
To make light of the situation, my husband so lovingly reminded me that the children that we’re looking forward to having one day, are going to have to come through this avenue. We laughed… and laughed some more.
It was good to be with someone who was so calm about the whole thing and that also helped to make everything easier. Something that is supposed to be a natural process of life, something that I hadn’t experienced in all of my 26 years, but was now ready to experience… was NOT going to be turned into something that would now try and steal my joy. Oh no honey! When I prayed, I prayed for Wisdom – wisdom for how to best deal with the situation and for the strength to bear the pain and to overcome it so that I could please my husband and so that we could both enjoy something that God himself had created for us to enjoy in marriage.
My Sailor
Praise God, like a dream, everything just calmed down, seemed more relaxed and it happened. Surprisingly, during the honeymoon, my body discovered a new found flexibility that had never existed before! It was going into positions that I hadn’t even thought it could do. My husband is a rather reserved man in public, a symbol of integrity even – but in the privacy of our bedroom (or whichever room it happens to take place in even)… there are no reservations!
Praise God, like a dream, everything just calmed down, seemed more relaxed and it happened. Surprisingly, during the honeymoon, my body discovered a new found flexibility that had never existed before! It was going into positions that I hadn’t even thought it could do. My husband is a rather reserved man in public, a symbol of integrity even – but in the privacy of our bedroom (or whichever room it happens to take place in even)… there are no reservations!
He sure does know how to handle his
business! And now everything is plain sailing! I call him the captain of my
ship and will often send him a message when he’s at work saying “Oi! Oi! Sailor!” because he knows how
to navigate this vessel towards reaching the best…well…I’ll just say it:
Orgasms out there – whether the tide be low or high!
On Babies
And of course with love – making comes babies! Another one of the main topics that arise within the first year of marriage. I can’t even count the number of times people have asked me when I will be ready for the children to come. Having been born and raised in London my whole life, I’m accustomed to being naturally “rather-reserved” as they say the English are. Thus I don’t take too kindly to the numerous lovely, but on occasion, overbearing Nigerian aunties who feel that it’s ok to grab hold of me and pat my stomach every time they see me saying: “Ah! Ah! When are the babies coming now???” Erm… when we as a couple have decided we are ready for that thank you very much! And of course… In God’s own time.
And of course with love – making comes babies! Another one of the main topics that arise within the first year of marriage. I can’t even count the number of times people have asked me when I will be ready for the children to come. Having been born and raised in London my whole life, I’m accustomed to being naturally “rather-reserved” as they say the English are. Thus I don’t take too kindly to the numerous lovely, but on occasion, overbearing Nigerian aunties who feel that it’s ok to grab hold of me and pat my stomach every time they see me saying: “Ah! Ah! When are the babies coming now???” Erm… when we as a couple have decided we are ready for that thank you very much! And of course… In God’s own time.
There’s also the matter to consider
when you are expecting to be pregnant and it doesn’t seem to be happening for
whatever reason. Again, I believe that nothing is impossible with God and being
at peace with His timing and decisions can be a source of comfort to hold on to
in the midst of an incredibly heart breaking or testing time.
On Debt/Finances for Newlyweds
They say once the wedding’s over, your honeymoon has come and gone and the stories about the Hen Night, Bridal Shower and Traditional Engagement that all preceded the big day…have fizzled out like stale champagne…you’re left with: A gaping big hole of debt…The reality of what it really means to be stuck with each other for the rest of your lives…
They say once the wedding’s over, your honeymoon has come and gone and the stories about the Hen Night, Bridal Shower and Traditional Engagement that all preceded the big day…have fizzled out like stale champagne…you’re left with: A gaping big hole of debt…The reality of what it really means to be stuck with each other for the rest of your lives…
AND…For those who were
virgins before the wedding night…There’s the excruciating process of trying to
overcome the pain of having sex for the first time and establishing a
fulfilling sex life with your husband. The first year of marriage can be one of
the most challenging and testing years of all – and statistics show that the
rate of divorce spikes within the second year of marriage, seeing as within the
UK, divorce proceedings are not allowed during the first 12 months of being
married.
Well I for one am so grateful to God because He’s blessed my
family and my husband’s family in such a way that debt and money issues
regarding the wedding was not even in the picture for us… so smooth sailing on
that front. Thankfully, a combination of the upbringing we have had, the
teachings we receive from the pulpit and relevant books/seminars on financial
integrity have enabled us to be sensible when it comes to the subject of money.
And this is extremely key, seeing as approximately 65% of marriages end in divorce
because of money issues. We’ve always had financial goals and aspirations but
over this past year, we’ve been encouraged to put these ideas to paper and to
plan out the next ten years of our lives – which is a great help.
Travelling With Him
Going on holiday and having alone time away from it all has also been a wonderful and interesting experience. I had never travelled abroad with him whilst we were dating so for me, holidays had always either been with my family or with my girlfriends. Since the wedding, we’ve travelled to The Dominican Republic (for our honeymoon), Portugal, Dubai (Got stuck in Qatar lol) and now Paris…the City of Love to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. We’ve also travelled away to some countryside locations in England and it’s always interesting discovering new parts of the world together. The best thing is being on holiday with not just your man…but your HUSBAND! Whenever there’s a guy staring at you on the beach or trying to approach you at the bar…just flash your ring at them! It works like a charm…well…most of the time. Either way, it’s a great feeling being away from it all and being away from the normalcy of life, just having a break, like a Time- Out session together, to recuperate before hitting the grind again.
Going on holiday and having alone time away from it all has also been a wonderful and interesting experience. I had never travelled abroad with him whilst we were dating so for me, holidays had always either been with my family or with my girlfriends. Since the wedding, we’ve travelled to The Dominican Republic (for our honeymoon), Portugal, Dubai (Got stuck in Qatar lol) and now Paris…the City of Love to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. We’ve also travelled away to some countryside locations in England and it’s always interesting discovering new parts of the world together. The best thing is being on holiday with not just your man…but your HUSBAND! Whenever there’s a guy staring at you on the beach or trying to approach you at the bar…just flash your ring at them! It works like a charm…well…most of the time. Either way, it’s a great feeling being away from it all and being away from the normalcy of life, just having a break, like a Time- Out session together, to recuperate before hitting the grind again.
Alongside that
however, I’ve also learnt to treasure the everyday, even mundane moments with
my husband. As great as it is chilling with our friends and going out to dinner
parties, events, visiting people etc…sometimes, I just long for those moments
when we’re both curled up in the living room of our apartment , the balcony
door left open, letting in that crisp, cool river breeze, as we’re wrapped up
in a blanket on the floor (despite having a sofa suite), with a big old bowl of
popcorn (me), suya (him) and Supermalt (both of us) or tomato juice (most
DEFINITELY only him), watching one of our favourite shows (Suits, The Good
Wife, Breaking Bad, Orange Is The New Black, 24, Scandal, Downton Abbey etc)
hooked up from his laptop, via that oh so precious HDMI cable – and it’s just
the two of us in our little haven of home.
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