#AskMe: I need help before suicide or murder become my only option

Hello Jane, good day.
My name is xxxx
Please before i start, i want to plead for anonymity. I would like to have another name posted instead of mine.
I wrote this to you for help, and also advice for something i might be pushed to do either now or in the not so far future.
Here's my story.
I was born through CS to my parents about 18yrs ago, and according to my mother she had diabetes in pregnancy. So although i was born premature, i was abnormally huge(obese). I came to the world lifeless, and only through the grace of God that the doctor in charge of my delivery was able to resuscitate me. And also my mum, my birth had to be done that way in order to save her life too. 

Ever since then, my mother has never stopped reminding me of how hard it had been to bring me to this world, that of all her 3 children, i am the 'problem child'. Right from that very little age i used to have a regret of being brought back to life.She clearly took preference of my little sister over the rest of us. 
Nothing i ever did could make her happy with me. As a child growing up, i was one of the best in class, always coming home with wonderful results, buh only my dad appreciated that. So i grew up being soo close to my dad, that even when he wasnt in town, whenever he calls, its to only ask about me.
At the age of about nine i was sexually molested. Daddy wasn't always around so i swallowed my secret. Cos i couldn't tell my mother.
She always said my presence alone irritated her, and so i stood clear of her way. To her i was slow, clumsy, foolish, or unwise and always compared me with others. From there i had begun to generate hatred for my mum. I always stayed outside with other neighbours but then they were all males too. So the molestation kind of continued, but most times i stood my ground, protecting myself.
Yes, i was ashamed to tell dad. I knew he would b def. disappointed, but i preferred being molested than being in the same room with my mum.
By jss1, i had started doing little chores around the house like every other child. After school i would bring my siblings home myself, do my chores and sometimes cook. Wash all our uniforms, and even iron them. Still to my mum, i wasn't any better than other kids from the neighbourhood. My food to her was always tasteless, or too salty, too much, or too little. Infact a day wouldn't be complete if my mother didnt complain about something i did or did not. 
By jss3, when adolescent characters were setting in, that question of 'why' was always running through my head. 
Why she just didnt like me
why a mother would tell her own child that her spirit didn't accept her
why it was my fault that i was fat
why my educational success meant nothing. I would come home with the second position, n my siblings would come with 18th, 19th and she would congratulate them. Even when daddy brought me gifts she would divide it among my siblings and i and always give me the smallest portion. At that time i wrote my junior waec, i had also when i met a guy i so fell in love with. He was my best friend, my hope, everything..he helped me study, do my chores, with his help i came out wt one of the best results in school. But he didnt stay long. He traveled out of the country the very next year, being 2009. 
I started getting depressed. Always keeping to myself. I hated getting disturbed by anything and anyone. I created a little world of my own where i was my own father and mother.
My results started becoming low, and to that my mum started accusing me of following boys and threatening to throw me out of her house if i ever disgraced her by getting pregnant. Infact, to some extent at times, when i try isolating myself again, and my siblings try coming near me, i would so shout at them, chase them away, and it only justifies her proof that i was/still am the black sheep. I got threats that she would kill me because she brought me to this world.
As a female i knew i had to learn basic cooking skills from her, but i used cookbooks. I couldn't bear being in the same kitchen with her because she would always shout at me, throw the cooking spoon at me or the washing water.
Many at times i tried committing suicide but chickened out because i didnt want my father to suffer. Sometimes when she sleeps a spirit would just tell me to take a knife and kill her, but i quickly brush that away. 
This has really weakened my relationship with the female species as a whole. I never seem to trust or confide in them. Rather i confide in the opposite sex.
So since wen my depression set in, from 2009 till date i always get migraines. Sometimes it dies down but later on it increases again especially when i stress myself.  
but my mother would always swear that i do nothing in the house, i just stay getting fatter by the day. 
Though right now i'm already done with secondary school. Due to the crises going on i couldnt gain admission. So i often go to my father's shop daily to sell instead of staying home. I still do all the chores and cooking, and whenever i try engaging any of my siblings my mum would always come up with the excuse that they going to school so they need rest.
I dont complain about the work, i do it all as tho am being trained as a lady. But this feeling of hatred for my mum increases by the day. And so does the migraine
Many a time i try to sit and talk to her about what she does to me, but the way she tells me off gives me this feeling that am not needed. I absolutely hate it when fellow kids say that they love their mothers, which is really very wrong.
I don't want to run away from the house because it would break up the family. 
I am sure about that because on several occasions my dad had confided in me that my mum had been stressing him, accusing him of infidelity, which he was innocent of. Her nagging and mood swings are the major reasons why he rarely stays in town, because he works in a diff state. Even during holidays he would rather take up extra work than come home. He said that he's only keeping up with her because he doesn't want to leave his children. And to an extent it meant me because i know he prefers me over the others kids but doesn't want to draw that line.

Now the preference lot has even cut against my teenage brother, as she always gives more credit to my sister over him. Though not as bad as she does to me. I was forced to open up my world for the poor boy at a point when she had asked him to go collect something from her friend and he forgot so she locked him outside till midnight. Imagine how a 12 yr old would feel.
She never acts this unfriendly towards other children, though she's a teacher.
Then, i remember, whenever she wanted to go for outings, i would be made to stay home because to her i wasn't either clean enough, or good enough to be taken out with.
Now infact when i dress up either to go to church, she always makes this comments that she's sorry for the man that would marry me. That she would give me out free to him in compensation.
I have tried many things for my weight problem because of her nasty comments, but to no avail. Apart from the depression, my body has started rejecting itself, i have cut down eating alot of meals but i dont seem to reduce. Now, i even got chest problems owing to the way my body is acting towards my weight.

I know am slowly dying inside. I look older than my mates, i dont seem to have any friend. The men obviously want sex, and the women i don't seem to like. I stil isolate myself. 
Most of my true friends are those i meet on social networks.. People i'v never met before.. And so whenever they'r not online, i slip back into my world again. 
I don't want to be a burden to anyone, i don't want sympathy. I just need somebody to encourage me. I need a listening ear, an understanding heart. And from u, i hope i could find such.

I need help on what to do. I know i need to stop the depression, but i dont know how. I need help before suicide or murder become my only option. Please help me.
Thank you

_____________________________________________________________________________


(Please don't stop by without advising. I assure you that the content of this story is true and real as we don't intend to soil our integrity with fake stories. If its not fiction, then its a real life story. )

Contact our team with your issues on IKPAJU30@GMAIL.COM and we will reach out 

4 comments