THE NARRATIVE OF THE SEXUAL TURMOIL A MOTHER OF TWO IS DEALING WITH

Hi Juicy

   I know this is a little long but I can't leave any of it out and am desperate for help. Please read it.

I feel an incredible amount of pain and fear right and I'm not asking you to go easy on me; I just know how hurtful my actions are already and need to get a little guidance and perhaps be able to talk to someone who is like me... (although I really wouldn't wish that on anyone) versus being told what a horrible person I am. Other forums have produced nothing but people who want to just stop by and tell me I'm SH*T. I don't see the point.



I'm 28 years old. I guess I would list among my good qualities good humor, attractiveness, and willingness to do anything for anyone (not sure how unselfish this is, though). But none of that really matters. If people knew me they would look away in disgust and never trust me again. I am a serial cheater. I have, in one year, cheated on my husband with 6 different people, numerous times. This seems a modest number to me compared to what I could have easily let myself done. Having 2 children has limited my time extensively. Otherwise I have no idea what I would have been able to do. I had emotional relationships with three of these people although they weren't healthy... duh. I have led a completely double life. In addition to sleeping with these other people I also watch porn on a very regular basis and masturbate and also compulsively masturbate when not watching porn as well. I also sleep with my husband although this last affair left me feeling without desire for him because I was attempting to totally disconnect. When I am not f***ing I am thinking about f***ing. I wouldn't say that I am physically aroused all the time (of course I am on a regular basis, though)- I would more say that I am mentally aroused constantly. Aggressively. And people would never know. Ever. (Unless they were someone that engaged with me in usage and I can spot the people who will a mile away).

Now... lemme tell you what I am really thinking. With each man I sleep with, I feel an incredible ego boost - almost like another notch in my belt. I usually go for men that have emotional needs that are left from abuse. I don't know this when I meet them... it just seems to happen every time. Because I was sexually abused in sick ways and was such a sexual screw up at such a young age I think I feel a closeness with these people. I was raped and tortured at the ages of 4 and 5 and I had a sexual relationship with my cousin at 7 and was abusive to him. I started compulsively masturbating when I was about 8 and never stopped. I was always seeking sexual connections with people all the time to feel worth their time and to make them feel things for me and "love" me and "like" me. Of course it doesn't last. I think we see each others needs and sense it in each other before we ever talk about it. The last man I was with was raped as a grown man while in the military by three other men. We both had problems and used each other, all the while telling each other we "loved" each other. He became obsessed with me and repeatedly asked me if I "promised" that I loved him. I said I loved him even though I didn't. I basically had no conscience about this. I knew it would be f***ed up in the end anyway so why not go along with it... it was like a high and I actually fooled myself into thinking that maybe I could have emotions. When he saw that I would not leave my husband he grew distant and unreadable. He said he couldn't handle me going home with another man every night. Last week I was at his apartment and he wasn't giving in to me sexually like I thought he "should" and I basically sexually assaulted him. If I had been a man and him a woman I could have seriously hurt him. If someone saw what I did and I had been a MAN, they would have thought I was a predator. I'm scared I'm becoming one. I'm scared because I didn't even really care whether he wanted it or not. I wanted him to want it and was enraged (and eventually listless as I left) when he wouldn't give in. I felt so out of control and angry and rejected and pathetic.

I can't even watch porn anymore and get off because I have watched so much for so long that watching people have sex (in ANY way) is boring to me. The porn I've started watching is getting more and more disturbing and I'm just sick of it. I do it while my kids are at home sometimes and my 2 year old has seen the computer open with porn on it when she runs up out of nowhere and jumps in my lap or on the couch. I know this is WRONG and can damage her. Of course I have to limit it at that point and that leaves me frustrated as hell. I feel like I'm going to spin in circles or bang my head on the wall or something. It's like I can't get enough stimulation in any way shape or form to make the anxiety and tension go away.

When I can't have sexual gratification I am so f***ing pissed at the person who doesn't allow it. When I want to have sex at home and my kids are at home I feel like my life is going to hell and everything is horrible and I'm so angry that I had kids, etc, etc... because I can't have sex when I want it.

My goal is to get myself to where I feel so much pain that I can't feel at all. I want to use and use and use so that I'll never feel bad about someone I really love leaving me or wanting someone else. Even my husband who is so loving and committed to me and respectful. I mean, I've never seen a man who is so devoted to his wife sexually and in every other way. So it's not that I am scared he'll leave because of his actions. It's that I hate myself and cannot feel or accept his love. At that point (where I feel so much pain I'm to the point of no return) I'll know that I am in control and that they can never hurt me. I don't have to be afraid to lose them because I have severed the emotional intimacy and connection already.

I feel so much POWER.

I have told my husband all of this (ALL OF IT) and he is willing to stay with me and go to counseling - individual and marital. I am horrified to give up my addiction because if I am a lost cause I won't have the drug. Then what will I do??? If I stay in the marriage and work on it and don't cheat... I will just have to feel the pain and I am not capable at this point of tolerating it. My husband is ridiculously perfect and totally devoted to me. I do not understand this. All I know is that I want to use the drug so bad and I am mortified of what I will be without it. Empty, empty, empty... and alone. I don't think I'll be able to go on.

Mrs Vera

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